Mount Pleasant, UT — At Mile 37 of the Wild Horizon Ultra, a local aid station captain, Brad Lanning, was overheard giving what one runner called “very creative encouragement” to an exhausted participant on the verge of dropping. But insiders reveal that Lanning’s motivational prowess wasn’t exactly rooted in a desire to see the runner finish the race—it was about protecting his pristine 2024 Kia Sorento.
“Hey, you’re looking strong!” Lanning told the runner, who appeared to have completely imploded. “This is just a mental hurdle. You can totally push through this! It's only four miles to the next aid. You got this brother!” Sources close to the scene report that the runner, who had been visibly wavering with fatigue and calf cramps, nodded solemnly and set back out on the course.
Privately, however, Lanning admitted he had other motives. “Listen, I just got the Sorento. No way I’m risking his sweaty ass ruining those premium leather seats,” he muttered while restocking electrolyte packets. “He can absolutely push through the pain. For my sake.”
Lanning’s friends confirm that he’s been obsessed with the Sorento since purchasing it just last month, going as far as refusing to park it anywhere near trailheads or people holding open beverages. “Brad’s been unbearable about that car,” said volunteer Karen Lutz. “Whenever it's his turn to drive to the trailhead he comes up with some excuse why we need to take my car instead. He even parked half a mile away to avoid dust from the aid station tent. There’s no way he’s letting some sweaty runner into his baby.”
Race organizers have reportedly praised Lanning’s enthusiasm. “Brad’s really pushing folks to keep going. It’s honestly kind of inspiring.”
When asked if he’d consider loosening up about the Sorento in future races, Lanning was firm. “I love volunteering, don’t get me wrong, but I also have standards. My Sorento didn’t sign up for ultra aid duty, and it sure as hell isn't hauling all this aid station trash. I'll make one of the other volunteers do it by pretending the Sorento is full.”
After returning to the finish to drop off the remaining aid station supplies, Brad ran into the runner he had encouraged to continue, soaked in sweat and half-delirious but somehow smiling. “Thanks for the push, man,” he said to Lanning, who awkwardly patted his shoulder while carefully stepping back to avoid any potential drips.