Congratulations! You not only survived another Thanksgiving morning 5K but also crushed your brother-in-law, Todd, in the process. Yes, that Todd—the one who lives at home and showed up in quarter tights so tight the entire start line got an unsolicited anatomy lesson. But now, with your glorious victory in the bag, it’s time to navigate the delicate art of not being a total jerk about it. (Even if Todd deserved every ounce of humiliation for that performance.)
1. Address the Tights Situation (or Don’t)
Look, everyone saw it. The quarter tights. The glaring, undeniable outline of his junk. But humility means rising above it. If Todd starts talking about how “compression improves aerodynamics,” let it slide. (Or if you absolutely must, a passing joke like, “Wasn’t this supposed to be a family-friendly event?” will suffice.)
2. Acknowledge His Fast Start
Todd came off the line like he was gunning for an Olympic Trials qualifier, those brand-new Nike Alphaflys flashing neon streaks with every stride. And hey, for a solid three minutes, it looked like he might pull it off. Recognize the effort. “You really took it out strong,” you can say, omitting the part where he blew up so spectacularly at the one mile marker that a lot of the walkers started passing him.
3. Compliment the Gear
New Alphaflys, the tights, and a matching singlet—you’ve got to admire the sheer audacity of showing up to a community Turkey Trot dressed like you’re racing the Boston Marathon. “You looked pro out there,” is a nice touch, subtly letting him know that his outfit didn’t match his splits.
4. Let Him Spin His Excuses
Todd will almost certainly blame his crash-and-burn performance on something beyond his control: “I didn’t fuel properly,” or “I wasn’t hydrated enough,” or “This course is way hillier than it looks.” Nod sympathetically. Agree that “hydration’s key” while knowing deep down that he just can’t pace himself to save his life.
5. Focus on the Bigger Picture
When Grandma asks how the race went, don’t gloat. Instead, say something selfless like, “It was a great morning—everyone really gave it their all.” Keep the grin subtle as you recall Todd’s labored wheezing around the 1.5-mile mark.
6. Slip in One Casual Reminder
At the dinner table, when the conversation inevitably circles back to the race, you don’t need to brag outright. A single, understated comment like, “Man, those kids handing out water were so encouraging—really kept me moving!” is enough to remind everyone that you made it to the water station in record time while Todd was somewhere behind, walking off a cramp.
7. End on a Gracious Note
Thanksgiving is about family, not competition. While you could easily mock Todd for overestimating his fitness or spending $285 on shoes he clearly can’t handle, remember that humility is its own reward.
As Todd starts explaining how he "wasn’t even trying that hard," you can casually lean back, smile, and say, “Don’t worry, Todd, those Alphaflys probably just need a little break-in period. Maybe by next Thanksgiving, they’ll be fast enough to catch up.”