PORTLAND, OR—After hours of painstaking research, local runner Ethan Clarke, 33, has convinced himself that a $900 GPS watch is the only thing standing between him and the completion of the Rogue Valley 50K—a course he’s run three times and can practically navigate in his sleep.
“This isn’t just any GPS watch,” Ethan explained to his wife, who was eyeing him suspiciously over the price tag. “It has multi-band GPS for more accurate tracking, a barometric altimeter, a heart-rate monitor, and advanced recovery metrics. If I’m going to push myself to my limits, I need data I can trust.” He added that the model also features sleep monitoring, which he claims will “optimize recovery”—though he admitted he planned to leave it on his dresser most nights.
Friends of Ethan recall that he originally signed up for the Rogue Valley 50K because of its “chill vibe,” “affordable entry fee,” and a “no-frills” approach to trail racing. Yet, sources say he’s now gone down a rabbit hole of high-end running tech, where he’s begun referencing “VO2 max predictions” and “vertical oscillation stats” for what was originally just “a fun weekend challenge.”
“Look, I could run it without a watch,” Ethan clarified. “But then how would I know if my stride length is optimal at mile 27? Or if my altitude-acclimation level is at 80% or 85%? People don’t understand how important these things are.” When asked if he was planning any races that might justify such advanced technology, Ethan hesitated. “Well, not yet, but, like, you never know when I might get into ultra-level mountaineering or desert racing!”
At press time, Ethan was reportedly programming his watch’s “custom alerts” feature to remind him to “just have fun” every five miles. However, he later adjusted it to remind him to check his hydration status, muscle oxygen levels, and “overall vibe” as well.