NASHVILLE, TN—In a perplexing twist of endurance logic, local runner Mark Simmons, 31, has found himself in an ongoing battle between mantra and reality as he repeatedly touts the benefits of “training slow to get fast”—despite failing to make any noticeable progress in his running times.
“Everyone knows the saying: ‘Train slow to get fast,’” Mark explained, adjusting his GPS watch while preparing for yet another leisurely jog around the neighborhood. “It’s all about building a strong aerobic base. I mean, I read it somewhere, so it has to be true, right?” Friends close to Mark, however, report that he’s been consistently clocking in at the same average pace for the last two years.
Mark’s training philosophy has earned him a certain reputation in the local running community, with fellow runners often rolling their eyes when he launches into a passionate defense of his slow-paced strategy. “He’ll run an 11-minute mile and then go on about how he’s ‘building endurance,’” said fellow runner Jenny Collins. “Meanwhile, we’re all watching him struggle to keep up during our speed workouts. It’s like a motivational speech gone wrong.”
Despite not seeing any improvements, Mark remains steadfast in his commitment to the mantra. “I’m playing the long game here,” he said, referring to his 5K time that hasn’t budged from 30 minutes. “Once my body adjusts, I’ll be flying. I’m just waiting for my aerobic engine to kick in!”
Witnesses have reported that Mark frequently tries to explain his training methods to anyone who will listen, often with a bright smile and the glimmer of unwavering optimism. “I mean, I just want to enjoy the journey,” he added, while taking a break to catch his breath. “And if that means running slower for a while, then so be it. But trust me, fast times are right around the corner.”
At press time, Mark was seen diligently planning a “slow and steady” training schedule for an upcoming half-marathon, even as his friends raised eyebrows at the thought of him maintaining an average pace of 12 minutes per mile while chasing their own personal records.