DENVER, CO—In what experts are calling a “classic case of denial dressed in running shoes,” local man and self-proclaimed “sub-elite ultrarunner,” Justin Harper, 34, claims his daily 10-mile jogs through the city’s parks are all the mental health support he needs—despite mounting evidence to the contrary.
“Running just clears my head, you know?” Justin said, lacing up his well-worn trail shoes. “Anytime I feel anxious or, like, super angry or, I dunno, like I can’t relate to other humans, I just hit the trail. It’s my therapy.” He added that running provides him with “all the emotional clarity” he could need, save for occasional moments of panic, self-doubt, and recurring dreams about his high school gym coach.
Friends and family of Justin have suggested on several occasions that he might benefit from talking to an actual licensed therapist, particularly after he spent the entirety of his birthday explaining how every problem in life could be solved with an extra 20-mile weekend run. “We love Justin,” said his sister, Rachel. “But every time we try to suggest he talk to a therapist about his troubles, he just signs up for another marathon and starts muttering about how people don’t understand ‘the magic of the long run.’”
Justin reportedly “doesn’t see the point” in paying for therapy when he can just run laps around his emotional issues instead, describing the hours he spends alone with his thoughts as “enlightening, though sometimes a bit heavy.” Those closest to him, however, note that his “therapy” has yet to address a variety of unresolved issues, including “anger he can’t quite name,” a tendency to flee from difficult conversations, and a peculiar compulsion to buy neon compression socks he has “no clear use for.”
At press time, Justin was considering signing up for a 100-mile race through the Rocky Mountains, hoping it would be “the breakthrough he needs.” Meanwhile, his friends are holding out hope that he’ll someday realize he might benefit from a licensed therapist—not just another pair of running shoes.